Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Temporary remedy coffee shop.

  • I wish people knew how much loneliness can affect a person, how much can loneliness change them or lead them to do things. The problem with people is that they compare their loneliness with others or compare somebody's loneliness to some other person's loneliness as if to rate them to what is worse and what is so simple. Loneliness is different for every person. And it's degree is all just the same no matter how shallow you think it is.
  • I am lonely. And I've been feeling sick. And I've been skipping class. And I've been walking a lot without a care to what's happening around me. In my walks, the world is on mute. And my mind is on a shut down. Sometimes I couldn't notice how far I've walked my legs would just give in. 
  • I have always been keeping everything to myself. I'm not the kind of daughter to tell my mom things or my sister things. I don't even tell friends most of the things that's going on inside my head and in my life. And I know that's a problem. Because at some point I'd always explode and do things that's really ugly or break down to an empty person. And it has always been a cycle. I gather and keep emotions and feelings of sadness and frustrations and what ifs and I explode only to gather more again and repeat the cycle. And it's really tiring. Now I am trying to not close myself too much. I told my mom I was really lonely. And all I got was a questioning and a kind of mockery and pressure and expectations. I think she's lucky. I am not the way I was before. I would have done something to hurt myself if that conversation happened before and she'll regret it - if she'd know. And now all I try to do is brush it off and understand and always keep in mind that my loneliness is nothing for people other than myself.
  • Dentistry school makes me suffer. And I am half at fault. But they didn't want me to do what I want in life. They didn't want me to do what I think is my purpose. They didn't believe I can do things. If only they can see how good I am at what I want to do. How other people encourage me so much and tell me I'm good at it. I am really tired. I am really tired. I am really tired. I feel like I'm not living my life. I just feel empty.
  • When I make art, when I go to galleries, when I go to some friend artists, everything just lights up. It's like a dream. It's totally not like my real life - cold, barren and empty. And I'm different. I'm all cheery and happy. But the happiness is shallow because it's not really mine. It's not really happening. It's cancelled out by the loneliness I'd go back to eventually when I go home, when I go back to my routine of going to classes and just hating on things. I wish they can see me and how well I do when I'm doing things I know I am meant to do. And they'll realize how cruel it is to take it away and deprive me of it. They say be practical. They say I need the money. I agree but life is not about living in luxury or having insurance or having hospital money or having a 9-5 high paying job that eats every vital part in you. Life is meant to be lived well with happiness deeply rooted not the happiness that's just superficial you get from security of a good future.
  • They might disagree with me. Oh yes they will. But I will prove them wrong. I'm gonna sell art and they'd just choke on everything they said. this is my life, my future, my happiness. Not a do over of theirs. Every life lived has a lesson to teach. But that lesson isn't applicable to every life. I am saying that somehow, they are correct, they have a point. Because it happened to them and they learned. But it's just different. We are different people. And a person's life may not fit with another person. What's a good thing to do to one may be a bad decision to others. 

I am saying things going on inside my head at the moment. I needed to let them out because nobody wants to listen. Well not really nobody but I don't want to nag P about it because I always do.

I am still really really really lonely though. Lonely to the point of apathy.


  1. I've read this and I want you to know that a) I'm sure you could make it with art, and b) I feel very much like what you wrote- like, when you won't tell people how you feel and that you're worried and sad and you feel like all the imploding ultimately leads to and explosion that is oh so not nice.

  2. I've read this and just felt like hugging you (and no, that's not a normal thing for me). I'm just like you, I keep everything to myself, I won't tell you you are not alone because it won't make you feel less lonely. At least I know it doesn't make me.

    I really hate it when people tell you what to do with your life, not in little things but in things that are involved in the process of becoming who you are. I have friends of mine who have gone through the same thing as you and I just think it's so stupid and unfair, they just ended up unhappy and unable to carry on with that (they dropped out of uni). Let people be what they want to be and they'll achieve greatness, if not greatness happiness then, and what bigger greatness there is in life than the happiness of doing what you want, of being who you are. In that part i feel really blessed because though my parents don't think that for me photography or writing or even playing the guitar are solid future pursuits for a money providing job, they won't ever forbid me of doing what I want, even if they think it's plain stupid. They don't support me, they mock me, but they won't get in the way. That's enough I guess. But it really scares me, what if I'm not good enough? But that's another story.

    And now I know this is gonna sound really bad but the world is a difficult place sometimes and we've got to make sacrifices. If your parents really don't understand how important art is for you and want you to take that classes and get that job then do it. Your job doesn't define you, it doesn't have to occupy your whole life. Just do it until you can stand on your own feet. And never stop doing your thing, your art. Because it is freakin beautiful. And one day you surely are gonna live from it :)

  3. (Sorry about the mistakes but english is not my first language)