Monday, July 9, 2012

On cramming, mindset and surprise.

My Dental Materials exam is over. I drowned. And I still have an Oral Histology exam tomorrow, which I haven't really studied yet except the part where I was assigned to make an outline for the whole class. It's stressful. Used to it anyway.

I was in my favorite cafe last night for an all-nighter. And the fatigue was kicking in. My head was floating and I couldn't really absorb what I was studying. I already had espresso and was having tea, but it wasn't helping and I swear if I closed my eyes for a minute I would instantly fall asleep. But some stranger suddenly sat in front of me. And my reaction was taking so long. And I couldn't really process it. Until five minutes or something. The boy from fairy tales was there and it really surprised the hell out of me. I was suddenly awake. 

He stayed with me all night 'til past five in the morning, and thank you, really. Because if you weren't there, I couldn't have studied everything. Even though I was so tired and was so sleepless that I was finding hard time to absorb everything (and of course I was a bit distracted), I managed to answer half of the questions in my test, I think. And it's better. But I swear I'll do better next time. Your fill in the blanks questions really helped. But don't be too full of yourself.

It was a long night. And we never really felt it. I was done studying by three am and I could have studied more but my brain's rejecting everything I feed it already, so we left the cafe. But we were so awake, it felt like it was just one am or something. So we went to his sculptor friend. 

He has this sharp maxillary cuspids. And I never removed my stare at his face because I was memorizing the way he looks and the mannerisms when he talks. He doesn't like garlic. 

Though I was only listening more than half of the conversation. I was so absorbed. He's one of those people who got it almost figured out. He knows what he wants. He's happy of what he does. He told me, "Don't waste your time doing things that you know will not make you happy. Do things that you know, will make you happy. You never know, life is short. And we don't have the right to complain that we were given little time. Because we were given one lifetime and one lifetime is enough."

He is right. But for someone like me who was given no choice, I envy him for being that courageous. There was never a day that I never thought about how I'm wasting my time preparing myself over some career that I don't really like and am not really passionate about. And I am trying really hard to put my mind to it, to like it.

So many times, I wanted to quit it already, but I think I do it for my parents, an indirect expression of respect. For a bad daughter like me, it's the only thing I can do for them. What is seven years. And I'm done with the three, still in the fourth, and three more. I can get through this. I have to. If that would make them happy.

Then I could do what I want and figure out what it is that I am really looking for. For now, I'm trying to busy myself trying to find time to do things I love in between the time that school demands because I fear I might die out of college if I don't get to detoxify. 

P.S. to the boy in fairy tales:
That's why I'm thankful of having to meet you. I told you, I was fixing and still is fixing my life. And you're kind of helping me in a way. And you don't demand anything out of me, so there's no forcing going on. God, your optimism really gets in my bones. Though let's just hope that our episodes don't occur at the same time. It would be the end of all existence. See you in our world.

It's amazing how we're always picture perfect. (You noticed it first.) The things we wear when we meet always matches and it's creepy. But we were really lost last night aren't we? Where the hell was that 70's party?

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