No Chance, No Romance

 

In Red Wine We Still Trust (also, The Cat Is Present)

In Red Wine We Trust

Chasing lost youth, chasing lost time:

Regina, I love you. In the rare eclipse of our souls, we soak in knee deep water, and it reminded me how once you gave me a bath because I was so lost, how you always harbored me in your bedside because I was so lost, how you always found me because I was so lost. Now don't do anything anymore, just let me get lost in you. Regina, I love you.

Sue, I love you. In the rarest of occasions that time allows, we cling to each other, like the night you were eaten up by mosquitoes in my tower because you were crying all night, the night our toes are in the sand and you were in my arms because you were crying all night, all those nights of  whispering and conversations muffled by teeth and pursed lips over our fathers, our mothers, strangers, and how we are strangers to our own selves. We would always run dry, but it's alright because you have me and I have you. Sue, I love you.

Beneath the heat and weaved heaviness:

In Joan Jett, we find comfort, in strawberries and chocolate we find the love.

 ;

We live half at sea.

(Or how  I came to go to the same beach twice with two different girls)

 

I first met Mem in an art exhibit at West Gallery. She came with his brother and her boyfriend, whom I met years ago when I went to spend a week at my cousin's town down in the suburbs. My cousin told me long ago that I should meet her, we'll click; but the socially anxious recluse me didn't really pay attention to anything with new human interaction involved.

And then we talked - and talked - after we were formally introduced, as if we knew each other for a very long time. There's a certain comfort in her words, the way they come out of her mouth, the way they sound, the way she articulates certain sounds. It felt like she was laying down her heart, her whole being.

People thought we've been friends for a very long time then, but we just met. We wore the same eyeglasses.

***

I first met Sue in a language class at the University. Her hair was straightened and down to her shoulders back then. I came to class early, and there she went coming in through old creaking doors with her chatty lady friends. My eyes were on her. She looked like someone who doesn't want to be there, someone who doesn't want to be with the people she was with.

I cannot really remember when we started to talk to each other, call each other by name even. I want to remember but I think it doesn't matter. It's like the days before I met her didn't exist. And before I knew it, I started to ache for her and love her, wanting so much not to let anything hurt her.

***

It's so magical how these relationships are borne from nothing.

***

There's an island in the far south where low tides are extreme, you can walk more than a mile from the shore but the water is still ankle deep. The sky was blue and grey when I went with Mem; the sky was seafoam and blue when I went with Sue. But the sunset was the same calm sunset, gifting the star lit sky to our tired wandering souls.

Brunhilde

It's your turn to be the broomhead now, love.

Not one of us, Not one of us

Miss Havisham

"Did I never give her love! Did I never give her a burning love, inseperable from jealousy at all times, and from sharp pain, while she speaks thus to me! Let her call me mad, let her call me mad!"
- Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

I own her

In nights of wailing chest to knee, in three a.m. conversations with lady nicotine, in shortness of breath and mosquito bites, in the cafe on the far end of Adriatico Street, in drunk dancing to an old blues band

She is mine

In a wave of people dressed in white, in the popcorn booth table, waiting for a man, in cutting fabrics to be sewn but never to be worn, in the absolute of math and weaving dreamcatchers round and round and round

I thought I own her

In Japanese after disheveling of hearts, in late periods and never ending questions, in black paint and tattooed arms

I meant no harm

When I longed to save her from misery like my own, when I told her to feel nothing when affectionately touched, when I told her this will lead to that, when tried to own her, when

I tried to own her heart
I thought I'd give it shelter, I thought my hands were big enough to guide the beating, the pumping of blood but

She was never mine

And our hearts are different stones

Lost Myths

   

Faerie at the Gypsy tower

She came just in time to put her nails back, and gather her hair on the floor, and weave them again, and wash the skin she used to wear, as to be worn again. She came just in time before she turned herself into a dream that will never be dreamt, into a word that will never be said.

  

Venus is us

  

Shoot the Greenman in the head;
This land is ours. 

We are children
of lust and sweat,
of blood and sea,
of unwed bodies. 

We devour men like sweets,
crumbs on our lips, 

But it isn't enough, 

nothing's

enough                                              

to                                                                                         

          tape together

the bones, the veins,
the calluses, uncut nails.

You are the sane,                                                                      the insane.

Pour honey on bare breasts;
Satiate, satiate.

Love us, love us;

Venus is us.

Ugly hands holding pretty hands holding ugly hands holding...

So I looked for you somewhere you don't want anyone to go, and I stole us, I stole us. You came a bit late, bunny, my dollhouse playmate, but you came, you came, and it's okay, everything's okay, I don't need to wait for anyone now.

Filles de la Lune

We live at night with faeries, with ghouls, with ghosts who hang by their braids. We fear not the hour of witching and we float, Moon child. We float.

I make altars, I make sex

I think the common factor is humanity. I maybe criticized if my sculptures contradict, but from the start I just wanted to make something beautiful that doesn't necessarily have to mean or say or promote anything. I want to make art that is beautiful even to the most ignorant to the field. I want to make art that's good to look at and that doesn't demand any deep half-hearted contemplating or thorough reasoning, but just the littlest of appreciation.

Anyway. I just needed to say that because it bothers me a bit and I need to sleep and it was all so sudden and totally unrelated to what comes next.

Night of the twenty third, I went out with the usual people, Sue, V and P, plus these kids we took along to teach them that they can enjoy Saturday nights without the sweat vapors of crowded clubs, which is nothing compared to live jazz and upbeat soul, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, dancing, good beer and the secret happening inside locked doors after the clock strikes twelve for the alcohol ban.

P.S. No alcohol were consumed by the sixteen year olds, their parents might kill us, even though I was the cool not so adult who's so willing to give away booze.

P.P.S. Thanks V for the photos, I stole it from you and you don't have a single clue.

Needy

"For your hair was full of roses, and my flesh was full of thorns,
And the midnight came upon us worth a million crazy morns."

- Aleister Crowley, La Gitana

   

I miss you.

Coke Whore

1. I am currently reading Spending by Mary Gordon. It's about an artist and her he-muse. + Vintage   Henry Cottons sunglasses I found, which is with P for now because it's a little big for me.
2. I am trying to draw and draw every after midnight 'til  the sun rises. And I should get some good sleep because I look like death's sister.
3. Beer sign Sue got me on her New York trip, which we forgot on a restaurant, and luckily we got it back the morning after.
4. Mary Hopkin's Those Were The Days. I'd like it to be played in the background if I decided to go on a killing spree.

 

It's hard to live in a bottle, but I found a hammer. Some have hammers, but they don't use it.

Lately I get hesitant whether I should keep this blog up or keep this up and not get too personal. But I can't do any of that. I love this world I created. I am free here. Though recently that freedom was threatened and I felt completely and utterly violated.

There have been a number of times where I deleted every blog I had once some unwelcome character walk into it and invade my world and judge me because of it and act as if that some unwelcome character knows everything about me because that some unwelcome character had speculations about the self I have laid down. I laid myself open because I felt I needed to. I am laying myself open because I feel I need to. It is hard to trust  and get myself out of my mouth. And then some unwelcome character comes to poke needles into my guts. And I bet you when that some unwelcome character reads this, that some unwelcome character will have the expected reaction (i.e. use whatever is written here against me or make counter statements.) But I don't care anymore. I will not ruin my found comfort just because of some unwelcome character. I am not ashamed of what I am. And I will not get rid of the records of what I have become and what I am becoming just because some unwelcome character found its way again to my open body. 

This world is mine. And nobody can steal this from me. And no character shall lead to the cessation of its existence. I don't care what kind of a monster I am that comes to mind. I know my self more than anyone and there are people who accept me for who I am and who I'll be.

My chest is heavy. I need to stop talking about these things. 

Anyway, bottom line is, I'll keep this blog as it was and as it should be. No restrictions or moderation. Let some unwelcome character cringe.

So, I have been away since the invasion of my public privacy and you know why. Lots of things happened. Good things I regret of not writing about.

Regina graduated from college and I am really proud of her. Sue came back from New York. Sue, V, P and I have been going out if we could. Once we went to the casino and watched a friend's band perform. It was good. They were good. Sue and I went on dates like we usually do. Went to my cousin's and visited my sister. V, P and I have been hanging out and once they went with me when I went out to study for my exams. 

It's summer here and the weather is really killing me. It goes up to 39 degrees on some days. I badly want to go to the seaside and occasionally have a dip in the water.

Last Friday was art day. We all went to the studio. P, V, J, Ch, Sue and I made portraits of each other. Well technically, we drew Sue and Ch because they're really nice to make. Lately I have never written or drawn anything that's why I was really happy when I started making things again. And I shall keep on making things. I must remember that.

I had my bunny on a Friday morning.

I checked my messages and there was one from Sue with photos from her trip to New York. It's just so touching to be remembered and to be loved. Have fun on your trip, love. Can't wait to see you again though.

Sue: Sharing memories with you love. I miss you.

"Meow," said the bunny.

• Sue had her usual green tea and I had my usual nicotine.
• Studying was a pain specially when you are subjected to the temptation of a good company.
• Time apart is voided by even the shortest possible time of being together in flesh.
• This Iranian girl with heavy eyeliner sat by the table left to us, her arm tattoo made me remember how I badly wanted to get a new one and how I tried not to think about it.
• People everywhere look alike, with their brown hair and made up faces, and the way they dress -  brainwashed by mass production.
• I am happy with my idiosyncratic lifestyle. Never will I subject myself to normalcy. With a few exemptions like wagers or pranks and things like that.
• My aunt thinks I'm crazy.
• I am not happy with my life. But I am happier now.
• The most difficult thing to look for, except Waldo, is your purpose. Now that's some serious shit.
• There's this girl on the table next to ours, she always rolls her eyes as if to comment on our conversation. I hope she got dizzy.
• Strawberry smoothies are great.
• I don't mind if I'm crazy.

  

I couldn't wear my boots.

We had dinner for Regina's birthday with a number of people and it doesn't show here but it doesn't matter. And I was straight from univ and was in my uniform. Sucks. But the company's good. And I should stop eating fast food. Yes.

I missed my Earl Grey.

It's another one of those days where I play pretend and walk crowded streets and night markets as if I am unfamiliar to the street signs, the lamp posts, and the lefts and rights the way I play pretend that I don't know any of the lines on your palms and the veins on your hands. But I know them all and I just love the idea that I could be lost and you'd come to find me.